*u may not want to read this*gurr what a sucky week! 3-22-08

Ya know I'm real tired of my moms crap! I would love to just leave but I can't afford to..... and I like to stay close to dad. She is pissed off cause I use my tip money from grooming to buy dvd's or whatever I want... I owe money to her so I am not aloud to buy anything for myself.... * I'm sure you have all noticed mom has to control everything..... apparently I'm still 4 and can't do what I want cause I rent a room from her.... and she has the right to decide and control my finances and life cause i agreed to borrow money for school and living in PA . I buy most of my own food here at the house but I do eat some of theirs and sometimes I eat dinner with them. she complains about that ...when I finally think I can do whatever and get a grip on my working stuff and start to concentrate on getting my business off the ground. she pulls her crap! Ya know I've had 24 years of this and I still haven't learned that if you owe her something she doesn't let you forget. * I have never not paid a bill, I have always payed my debts and I have never denied money owed*. when something doesn't go HER way or how she wants it she makes sure you pay for it.....Fully!.... I'm glad that I don't know other people like her! One is to much~ This whole blog was brought on by the fact that she comes to me the other day and says my rent is due the first of every month. ok well fine..... BUT... She knows I get paid Fridays and that 200 dollars is pulled out of my account from my car insurance on the 1st of every month. She waits till almost the end of the fucking month to tell me that my fucking rent is due the first of April... I have no fucking money in the account! I only get 2 and 3 hundred every check! I have no fucking way to getting enough to pay insurance and rent on the same week. I've been paying rent in two payments.... so ya now I'm totally screwed and apparently its my fault because I bought some dvd's with my tip money the other day. I would not of had a problem with paying on the first if I had more warning. but since its my mother who runs the house its her way or the highway. If i wasn't so poor and owed so much stupid money from going to school I would not be here!!!!! It took alot for me to agree to borrow money from them, but oh boy she has never let me forget it, it haunts the sleep.... *Ya know I often wonder what it would be like to not dislike my mother.... (its a subconscious thing)... she can walk into my room and already my defenses are up and I'm ready to fight back, Its been that way SINCE before I can remember, I can never do anything right! like I said before its done her way or no way at all. Thats how my parents marriage is also, she runs the show...
* laughs and you wonder why I NEVER want to get married or ever have kids!*
As you can probably tell my weeks hasn't been great! I've had 3 horrible days at grooming with very little money to show for all my pains. Every fucking dog had bad hair and tried to bite my face and hands off this week. Sometimes I really wonder how I always go back to grooming when I've had a week like this one. I 've had to to a redo groom for free yesterday that really made me mad cause it wasn't my fault for the hair cut being to long * the husband told me over and over how long he wanted the hair* *sighs* another reason I never want to be attached to a person... another reason works really sucks is that my clippers aren't working anymore I've rebuilt them three times and well I need new ones again.. Every single one of my blades and shears need sharpened *they haven't been done in almost 19 months, I used to be able to afford to get them dome every 9 weeks* But as it is now I don't have the 2 hundred dollars it cost to get them sharpened!!!!! so work is taking about double the time it should and the hair cuts aren't looking good. *( I can't do anything about it cause I can't afford to do anything about it)* I am literally living pay check to pay check. I've always had to watch my expenses but never like this!! I really miss my job at Hope cause at least there I had health benefits and decent paychecks. I haven't advertised for TPT yet cause I'm still typing up my paperwork and reading on how to bill insurance. I want to to therapy but then again I don't think I'm good enough to actually help people. With mom, deb and laura doing therapy I don't see the urgent need for mine to be going through. I have all the Li scenes and Insurance from ABMP so I can legally practice now if I wanted to.
Another reason this week sucked was that Echoa was VERY sick! I've never had a dog get so sick! I came home Sat night from going to Abirds play at UAA with Deb and Kristy, and Echoa was acting weird. I have had to take her outside every hour during the day when I'm home and all through the night for the past 6 nights in a row. I had to lock Echoa in the cat cage the entire time, because she would get poo and puke EVERYWHERE!!! *ahh the smell was enough to kill a person* Today was the first day I let her out. I took her to work this morning and gave her a bath. I have been cleaning her rear end everytime she comes in cause it was all plastered to her butt.
As you can tell things have been building up for a while, the more that goes wrong or just not like I need or want it to go the angrier I get!
I am so tired of living in limbo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want my own life with no debt to anybody! I HATE NOT HAVING A SAVINGS!!!! this is the first time since I've started working (17) that I have not had SOMETHING in savings!!! right now I have NOTHING and its driving me crazy!
One good things this week is i got to see Laura, that helped ease my nerves but it didn't get to last long. Well I need to get ready to go see Laura so bubye for now ~Jewls~

Life back home! 3-1-08

Ahh Home Sweet Home. The trip back home was hard and long, We left Oregon the 14th of Feb at 7:15am. We made it to Springfield OR, then the van broke down. It took a little over 3 hours to get back onto the road, after fixing the van belt. *good thing we had the new car cause dad and mom used it to get parts for the van and dad worked on it right where it was. We stoped several other times throughout that day and we ended up eating out at Wendys because we thought the van had gotten worse. As it was we discovered that it wasn't any worse and continued on our way. We made it to the Canadain boarder at around 10:30pm, it was pretty smooth sailing going through. We had all not slept well the day before we left and poor dad was sick with a cold, we drove till 5am on the 15th and had to pull over till 7am. That was a nice break, a cold one but nice.
We drove all the next day then before we got the the intersection for turing onto the Alcan we decided to stay in a hotel. Both dad and I had looked at the sky and agreed that the pass wouldn't be safe to go through at night with suck heavey looking clouds. we stayed at a hotel in New Hazelton CA. It was nice clean and simple, and a wonderful rest, except moms snoring. * the surgery dind't help*. we left at 8am on the 16th and headed to high way 16 or was that 37 hmm i can't remember. anyway.. we had been on the Alcan for about an hour when we ran over trouble, literally! The road was full of marble size sharp ice pebbles covering a very hard ice packed road. we were driving along when my car started sounding funny. I couldn't place the noise but I was sure it was my car. We pulled over and I got out and then saw my very flat tire. we had to pull every single thing out of my trunk to get to the little tiny spare tire. Dad put the spare tire on and the we drove slow top speed of 40 miles an hour. the nearest place was 100 miles. We are fortunate that we stayed in a hotel the night before, it snowed in the mountain pass over 4 feet and had just been cleared by the time we got through.... so we made it that much then took the tire and had them look at it. the place that we stopped at was a remote lodge/gas/rescue station. they looked at the tire and told us that it was no good. :( so now we have NO tire! we just have the dinky wheel barrel tire. the next place was about 130 miles. we didn't have any choice but to continue on and hope and pray that this tiny tire will hold out till we could get a real tire. we get to the next town and there is nothing there! we had to continue on again. We did get to a town that let us air the tires up more. We drove until 12am on the 17th and then pulled over for a few hours we were all so tired, poor dad drove 15 hours straight. He was worried about the van transmission so much that he wouldn't let anybody drive. we made it to Whitehorse and tried again to get the tire fixed.. it was Sunday so NOTHING was open! we were going to get a hotel cause the next place wasn't for another 400 pulse miles. Since it was only 11am on Sunday we decided to chance the tire and drive to Tok. We made it to the US border with much happiness! we made it to Tok at around 8pm. We still couldn't find a place to get the tire changed. Dad called his friend who lives in Galcana which is near Glenallen. we ended up staying the night there and not leaving till 12pm on the 18th. We did find a place in Glenallen that had a tire that would work. so 50.00 dollars later for a used tire, we were back on the road and on our way home. we made it home at around 3:30pm on the 18th. It was so great to drive into the drive way and know we had made it home. We pulled the Honda into the garage unloaded it then the van, then my car. We had all three cars unloaded and hand washed before 5pm. we then headed to the Bushee's for a reunion and dinner yummy!
Tuesday morning dad went to work and mom,Deb, and I went to Anchorage to get food and also to apply for our city license, we also got our state License. So we are officially ready to open for business. I had to send the first week moving my room from the pink one to the white one, I spent four days going through all my PA stuff and moving all my room stufff. that took forever! But I got it all done! after I did that I went to the grooming shop in Eagle River and filled out my appy. I was already hired there but needed to make coshure. I started work there on Monday the 25th and I love it there! The boss is great and I like being there. I tried to get a job at Fred Meyers and Wal-Mart but they never called me. I was going to work grooming only two days a week but they like me so well they offered to have me work 5 days a week or more if i wanted. its nice cause its good money and not stressful like Bev's was. I really like working closer to home.!
Thursday night we had dinner at the Bushee's with Amanda. Luke and Ada came into town on Wednesday. it was so great seeing them I really miss having them here.
Well I don't have much else to talk about. April is sickly again... *sighs* I just can't win! Echoa is doing good. I'm looking for and AKC Bichon male to breed wit her in April. At this moment I doubt I'll find one in time before she goes into heat again.
Today I found some old floppy disk that only my old computer reads, I was reading through the files and was amazed how much has stayed the same and how much has changed. I miss some of my old friendships! I didn't realize losing a special friendship with somebody would change who i am for good. But in all truth it really did change me. I lost all trust! mostly because I was naive and really dumb... why I set myself up for destruction and disappointment is really beyond me, I think I'm still pretty hurt and angry inside to make any new friends. I'm pretty sure thats why I haven't made a new lasting friend in years, I keep people out. The only people that are around me are ones that I have know for years or that are my siblings friends. I have found that I really do keep people away form me on purpose, I am tired of getting hurt and then acting like it was nothing and that it really dind't bother me but real deep inside I know I have sadness that hasn't really gone away probably from guilt or wonder.... okie dokie just wording my thoughts tonight.. Have a great day and Love to All ! Dream Sweet! TCaGB~Jewls~